Monday, November 24, 2003

REVIEW: The Matrix Revolutions

Seen 23 November 2003, at the New England Aquarium (The IMAX Experience)

* * (out of four)

Random comments my brother Matt and I passed back and forth from the time we met at the Simons IMAX Theater to when we went our separate ways at Park Street (and later embellished):

"She's not really bringing that kid, is she?" (Not only is The Matrix Revolutions rated R, but the sound system in an IMAX theater could do serious damage to the ears of a girl that small)

"Look - they're not kidding. Those 'Chocolate Covered Bugs' have 'insect larva and/or cricket' listed in the ingredients. Who buys that?"

"Hang on - you actually counted how many seats were in a row and divided by two to decide where to sit? You can't just eyeball it like everyone else on Earth?"

"You know, Ryan [our racing fan cousin] will absolutely explode when he sees there's a Nascar 3D movie coming out."

"If a program you wrote started spouting philosophy rather than searching a database, you'd consider that a bug, wouldn't you?"

Bonk. Bonk. Bonk. "They need to make these seats higher. Us tall people really get hurt when a bad movie makes us pound our heads against our seat backs."

"Should we keep a count on how many times someone says something needlessly cryptic? Or just do it for the Oracle?"

"You know what's keeping me in this theater? $14, that's what."

"Are we supposed to believe there's some kind of chemistry between Keanu and Carrie-Anne Moss?"

"Sure, it's just endothermic - it reduces heat."

"I say we find whatever costumer made Monica Belucci's breasts look grotesque and kill him multiple times."

"Do you think that if they keep telling us Neo and Trinity are in love, we'll eventually believe it or care?"

"I love this character - the one who's supposed to be a stubborn, unlikable hardass but because everyone else in the movie is so damn stupid ends up being the only one talking sense. Still, it's never a good sign for a movie when it has this character."

"Good lord, just how many characters from Reloaded did I completely forget exist?"

"Laurence Fishburne and Jada Pinkett Smith - endothermic?"

"You mean there's supposed to be something between them?"

"How on earth does Trinity not realize that's Agent Smith?"

"Oh, Lord, not The Kid. Does anybody care about The Kid?"

"Neo's just having a complete Ted moment here, isn't he?"

(mostly silence - the attack on Zion was pretty sweet)

"I wonder what this day on the set was like for him. Sit in the chair, wave a couple joysticks around, and scream. Again, and again, and again."

"Biggest. Deus ex machina. Ever."

"Gee, I'm glad you told us that was beautiful. Not like we couldn't tell on our own."

"Yes, Neo, it's very sad. But, um, the clock is ticking on the fate of all humanity here."

(Points at watch)

(Makes "move it along" motions)

"When did this become the Wizard Of Oz?"

"Y'know, if I were an evil computer virus that had replicated several million times and was confronted with the man I hated more than anything, I'd be all over ganging up on him."

"New. Biggest. Deus ex machina. Ever."

"Really, I'm shocked the crucifixion symbolism took this long."


"So, let me get this straight - all the human beings inside the Matrix are likely dead, the machines still rely on their body heat for power, and there's a big hole over the planet's only other source of human beings. And Zion is celebrating?"

"Man, it's a good thing we're easily impressed by new and creative ways to blow shit up."

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